Spiraling Insanity: Azzuro's Journal Entries
by Okami-Raen
Summary: Companion/Sidestory to my Cinnamon and Gold fic. Things through Azzuro's eyes.


**Okay, so I'm posting this separate because though it does go with my fic, it doesn't really fit in as the next chapter. So think of this as a sort of sidestory/special.**

**I felt that giving more insight to Azzuro would be helpful to the story.**

**I'll probably add more to this at some point.  
**

**That said, let's begin!  
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* * *

**Azzuro E. Vendatte**

**May 25**

It would seem that I got myself saddled with a kid. And not just any kid, but my little five year old niece, who I'd never even met before.

What the hell was I supposed to do with a fucking kid?

She was Celio's daughter. From the pictures they sent me, she looked a little like him. But more so Sadako…

Damn.

And those two, my _beloved_ older brother and…his wife had to go and get themselves killed. Why hadn't they warned me that the Nerezza were giving them trouble? Even though Celio and I didn't quite get along—to say the least—I wasn't just going to up and abandon them.

But now they were gone.

And that little girl was the only survivor of the famiglia. I couldn't really be called that myself, being the "_bastard son"_ as Celio so delicately put during one of our many fights.

Tch, screw that.

I was still sore from last night, having to bust into that damned nice ass house of theirs just to rescue the brat. And she saw fit to leave her little teeth marks right on my collar bone. That's gonna leave a scar.

Heh, I have to admit she was kinda cute though. There's a sharp spark in her that reminds me of when I was a kid; and she's got my mouth for sure. Little brat.

But she takes after her Mama a little too much.

I see too much of Sadako in her; the same hair, delicate figure…eyes. She's probably gonna be just as beautiful too…damn kid.

It was enough that I drank a _little_ too much…even I had to admit it, so…It makes sense that she doesn't like me all that much. Hell, I wouldn't like myself in her position either.

I'm not sure of what to make of her…She's quiet…she just sits there. She hasn't really said too much after we got back from her house.

But…she's pretty damned bright for a little kid. I can see it in those blue-green eyes of hers…Sadako's eyes.

…I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this little brat…

* * *

**May 31****st**

I'm screwing up pretty bad. I know it.

I really don't know why Celio left me as 'next of kin' for this kid! Did he really think I'd be able to take care of her? Seriously! I can barely take care of myself!

I keep looking at her every few minutes as I'm writing this out… She's sleeping at the moment, little legs curled underneath her, head resting on her arms. Pretty picture, but…it shouldn't be in my life. Or really, I shouldn't be in her life.

I got word from some contacts of mine that the Nerezza famiglia know about Luca being still alive; they probably know about me too. Damn bastards.

I've been trying to lead them off the trail; but they're too damned smart for their own good. It's taking me days! And I only just got back home…

Shit…I hadn't meant to leave her alone for so damned long…

She's showing her smarts for sure though; I know she's been cooking for herself. I can smell lingering 'food smells' and the house is clean. I don't get why she's cleaning… But, what else does she have to do?

I have to leave again tomorrow; I'm going to make sure I'm only gone for the day at the most. Even I know leaving a kid as young as her alone is wrong. God forbid the neighbors of learning about this; they'll be sure to report this in, and then I'll lose Luca. Which would probably be better…

Damn. Maybe I should just dump her off in an orphanage after I deal with the Nerezza…

I know doing something like that isn't the best for a kid, especially when she's just lost her parents and all…but what the hell am I supposed to do?

* * *

**June 3****rd**

I went and blew it. I left her alone for a few days again, but… I'm not going to do it anymore.

While I was waiting for one of my contacts the other day, I had seen this little kitten go walking across the road. I usually don't pay attention to cats; I'm allergic, and they don't like me much. But this little kitten, all torn up and dirty…it had blue-ish eyes, just like Luca.

It was pretty young too… It shouldn't have been away from its Mama. And it was meowing all pitiful and like in the middle of the road…

Something's wrong with me I think. Since when was I such a damned…_pushover_?!

As soon as I saw that little kitten, all I could think was: "_That's just like my little Luca…"_

I froze on the spot and slapped my forehead.

Then I saw a car coming down the road; fast. And that kitten was so damned small, I doubted the driver would even see it, or care.

It would just be another bump in the road.

I felt a tightening in my throat as I watched… Was this something like what would happen to Luca?

Next thing I knew, I had run out, grabbed the kitten and was making for the animal shelter, which just happened (as if by fate) to be within comfortable walking distance.

The little puffball decided that she wanted to take a bite out of me (just like Luca), and sank her teeth into the soft part between my thumb and index finger… It hurt like hell, but I didn't let her go. Same as Luca.

Damn it…what the hell was wrong with me?

I was late to meet my contact. And he wasn't pleased. But I wasn't in the mood to apologize. My stupid…I guess you would call it conscience...kept telling me to get the hell home to Luca.

And so I did.

You know, I did think she was cute, but I hadn't really felt any huge attachment to the kid. But when I kicked open my door and saw her sitting on the couch (in my now _clean_ apartment) I felt a surge of emotion I hadn't really felt before.

I swept her into my arms almost immediately, wanting to do everything possible to make her smile.

But… I wasn't going to be good enough to take care of her. I need help.

I'm going to take her out for a good time, then bring her over to Miller's place. She'll know what to do.

* * *

**June 4****th**

I took this journal with me because I knew I wouldn't be returning home after taking Luca to see Mrs. Miller. I hadn't intended for her to take her away from me like that, but it's for the best, I guess. And probably safer. I was going to take her with me to a motel, and from there I was going to do one of my 'jobs'. But yeah, thinking about it now, It's _really_ better she's there.

Hrm, but why did I drag my journal along? I usually keep it at home. I guess I'm wanting to keep a record of my descent into insanity.

Yesterday, after buying her a truckload of stuff she should have already had, and after eating out…I had felt a big surge of happiness when she grabbed onto my hand.

And so my slow descent into sappy-insanity begins.

She was starting to talk to me, and even called me Uncle. I hadn't urged her to call me that; especially when I was really unfit to be called 'Uncle', but hearing her say it…made me happy.

I hadn't been so happy in a long time. And I never though some little brat (or Princess, as I had started calling her) would be the source of it.

I was almost eager for her to get to know me, and I wanted to know her better. Though she looked like her Mama and Papa, she had her own personality going…

It seemed that she was starting to like me, even if it was a little bit.

Maybe…maybe keeping her with me wasn't going to be so bad after all…

…I hadn't expected her to open old wounds though.

All of a sudden as we had been running up the street, she slipped right off my shoulders and ran away. I freaked out a little, followed after her, and found her looking at flowers.

Sadako's favorite flowers.

It took a lot to keep myself in check as I went up to her and managed to talk to her. She knew they were her Mama's flowers. She liked them too.

I continued to spiral downwards.

Then…for the first time, she said something that hurt. And really it shouldn't have.

The man who returned her lion to her (which she had left at the flower shop) assumed I was her father. She corrected him, and I inwardly winced. It felt like someone had pushed the butt of a cigarette against my heart…

But…I'm not her father! Spiraling…no, it was more like plummeting at this rate. I needed to get away from her!

I scolded her a little for leaving the lion and then continued taking her to Miller's. If I remembered right, Miller always had some whiskey in her cupboard. I really, _really _needed a drink.

And then, Miller and I got into a fight.

I should have known it was going to happen. But…

It tore at me when Luca started crying. I wasn't sure what to do…but I held her tight.

I really needed to get away. Before…before…

I fall any further.

* * *

**June 30****th**

Somehow…I managed to keep this journal away from Nerezza hands. The once somewhat intact cover is now burnt and bloodied up, but…it's still here.

It's been weeks since my last entry, and weeks since I saw Luca.

I'm currently locked up in a room with what feels like a cracked rib or too and a lump on the top of my head to boot. I don't know what's going to happen, or if Luca's still alive. But I hope to god she is.

As sappy, stupid, annoying and depressing as it is to say, she's all I have.

I guess…I guess that little brat's charms got to me.

Sitting here, locked up as long as I have, all I could do was think. And I thought a lot.

I think… No, I scratch that. I _know_ I love that little girl.

Damn…I hear someone coming. Gotta put my thoughts on hold for the moment.

* * *

**July 5****th**

We're alive!

Funny as it is to say, it's true.

Lucky for me, the Varia finally got the weak message I had sent them. And damn was it in the nick of time!

Luca's alive. She didn't get too hurt, other than a broken nose.

I meanwhile had a broken rib, and too many cuts and bruises to count. But she doesn't need to know that.

God…I'm too damned attached to her now.

And it didn't help that she had tried to protect me. A little five year old, protecting her supposed assassin uncle. And it worries me…she showed that she's got that damned flame in her.

Trouble will be constant, and not just because of me at this rate.

But… it's worth it. I admit, looking at her. She's curled up with her head on my lap, sound asleep.

It's not easy writing in the car, but at least Calder and Anton haven't noticed. They already found it 'good sport' to make fun of me just by watching me with Luca. If they caught hold of my actual thoughts…I'd _never_ hear the end of it.

At the moment, we're on our way to the Vongola headquarters. Boss will know what to do about the Nerezza; I can't take them down on my own. And there's the flame issue…

Regardless, I'm not going to abandon her. I love that little brat too much to do something like that.

Damn how I've fallen! But…maybe it's not so bad.

My thoughts are running slow now. I should probably get some sleep…


End file.
